last time I saw you, you were in a rage

i know i dont handle disappointment very well, well, depending on what it is and how im feeling to begin with. if im fine and i go to superstore and they dont have any cheesecake which means i have to go to safeway, its all good. but sometimes it feels like i wait all day for the last 30minutes of it before i go to be (its all i get now, really), not feeling all that splendid (my jaw is really bothering me, im tired, kinda frustrated, forgot to call my aunt. shit) and it just really sucks. and its not that big of a deal really. i know it doesnt mean anything. but maybe that why it bothers me. because it means nothing. its everything to me, and yet its so easily given up. and now im crying over it.. i put way too much thought into stuff like this. i think about it too much and i look forward to it, and i think about how good it will be (its all there is right now), and i put everything im doing on hold to do it, and i wait and i check and i wait some more and then get excited when I think its happening... but no. its nothing to everyone else so why would they bother.

would you be disappointed, or am i just being crazy?

no. dont bother answering that. i know im crazy. i know because now that theres nothing i get all urges to do things to make it better for myself. i just about sent an angry email about nothing, but im not even angry. i wish i was. i wish there was something to be angry about. sometimes i like to be angry. well i dont like the angry as much as the after angry. when it all been released and it feels better. i dont have an outlet for that anymore. i miss rugby. im giving myself a headache. i notice when i get upset, i stop breathing for a bit. like holding my breathe slightly. and then i get a headache.

sometimes i think i release too much. how much does any given person need to know about me? thats why i used to like this blog. i could say whatever the hell i wanted and no one was reading it. i could just say it and then my thoughts are out there. i dont think anyone reads this anymore so i dont feel so bad to purging in here. ill keep "writing in code" should someone happen upon this. then it might make sense to those that it should make sense too. if it doesnt, then its probably not you i wish i was saying this too without feeling like im telling you something that doesnt need to be said. maybe by the time you see this it will be months later and i will have completely forgotten whatever it was that i was upset about. probably. its pretty trivial. and i tell you enough trivial things. so this is probably better left in code.

and for the record, i didnt do anything to retaliate (well, i did, but i undid it just as fast as i did it). i want to though. maybe you didnt know thats how i think sometimes. ive alluded to it before. maybe i will yet well see how this feels tomorrow. or maybe even thursday. hell if i know anymore.