mes pensées vide de sense

2006-11-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time since I've updates this, but I don't have any other medium of posting my engagement photos for everyone! Channing was supposed to look into getting up a password protected album somewhere, but for now, here are some of my favorites!There are some more of us, plus some other couples our photographers have done on http://whitley-goodman.blogspot.com/

cant fight this feeling

2005-03-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

ahh! im so fucking excited! ive heardly stopped looking since thursday... which is a good thing and i bad thing i suppose. bad, because its not like its going to realistically matter until may or so.. but good because this way i will not miss anything, and ill have a better of idea of what the fuck it is that i am doing when may/june/july/comes along and i actually have to buy the place.

the only frustrating part is not that we want different things, because we really dont, except for location preferance, but whats most important to each of us is different. i want to walk to school and he wants heated parking. there is no place we can afford with heated parking near the u of a. none. well.. depends on what my definition of "walking distance" is i suppose.

.. i really need to do some studying

and you will believe in love and all its supposed to be

2005-02-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes i find it hard to believe that this has ever happened to anyone else, ever, anywhere. i love you that much.

disappointment gets to me so easily

2005-01-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

i tell myself that nothings wrong, but nothings like it used to be.

last time I saw you, you were in a rage

2005-01-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

i know i dont handle disappointment very well, well, depending on what it is and how im feeling to begin with. if im fine and i go to superstore and they dont have any cheesecake which means i have to go to safeway, its all good. but sometimes it feels like i wait all day for the last 30minutes of it before i go to be (its all i get now, really), not feeling all that splendid (my jaw is really bothering me, im tired, kinda frustrated, forgot to call my aunt. shit) and it just really sucks. and its not that big of a deal really. i know it doesnt mean anything. but maybe that why it bothers me. because it means nothing. its everything to me, and yet its so easily given up. and now im crying over it.. i put way too much thought into stuff like this. i think about it too much and i look forward to it, and i think about how good it will be (its all there is right now), and i put everything im doing on hold to do it, and i wait and i check and i wait some more and then get excited when I think its happening... but no. its nothing to everyone else so why would they bother.

would you be disappointed, or am i just being crazy?

no. dont bother answering that. i know im crazy. i know because now that theres nothing i get all urges to do things to make it better for myself. i just about sent an angry email about nothing, but im not even angry. i wish i was. i wish there was something to be angry about. sometimes i like to be angry. well i dont like the angry as much as the after angry. when it all been released and it feels better. i dont have an outlet for that anymore. i miss rugby. im giving myself a headache. i notice when i get upset, i stop breathing for a bit. like holding my breathe slightly. and then i get a headache.

sometimes i think i release too much. how much does any given person need to know about me? thats why i used to like this blog. i could say whatever the hell i wanted and no one was reading it. i could just say it and then my thoughts are out there. i dont think anyone reads this anymore so i dont feel so bad to purging in here. ill keep "writing in code" should someone happen upon this. then it might make sense to those that it should make sense too. if it doesnt, then its probably not you i wish i was saying this too without feeling like im telling you something that doesnt need to be said. maybe by the time you see this it will be months later and i will have completely forgotten whatever it was that i was upset about. probably. its pretty trivial. and i tell you enough trivial things. so this is probably better left in code.

and for the record, i didnt do anything to retaliate (well, i did, but i undid it just as fast as i did it). i want to though. maybe you didnt know thats how i think sometimes. ive alluded to it before. maybe i will yet well see how this feels tomorrow. or maybe even thursday. hell if i know anymore.

go.. and beat your crazy head against the sky

2004-07-10T22:53:00.000-06:00

The greatest treasure hunt ever is officially over: I bought myself an N64 today [!!!] $30 at a pawn shop on 118th [*complete* with mario kart].

Gary, Vanessa: I know youre quivering in your boots [or slippers, respectively]. Or not.. but be warned! Come September, do not expect me to suck as much ass as I once did [!!!]. Muahaha.

[That enough context for you, or should I elaborate?]

Id love to stay here and be normal but

2004-07-08T18:07:00.000-06:00

Dad, this is post is just for you.

The world was on fire no one could save me but you

2004-07-06T15:28:00.000-06:00

Strange what desire will make foolish people do

I feel very strange today. Actually Ive felt like this for a few days now. Its almost like Im dreaming [yes I realize how cheesy that sounds, but just give me a chance to explain]. I know whats going on around me and I know that I am voluntarily doing whatever it is that I am doing, but I doesnt feel like Ive actually choice to do any of it. I dont know if you dream the same way, but when im dreaming everything just happens, even my own actions, and I have very little to no control over it. I just accept whats going on and let myself float through it. I mean, Im aware, but its.. strange. Distant, I guess? Now I just sound crazy. Ive felt this way before, but usually when Ive extremely tired, and with the amount of sleep Ive got in the paste few days, there is no way I am tired. I wouldnt even care that Im doing this but its not like the [past] next few days are going to last forever. I want to be complete conscious for every moment and not feel like I missed any of it when its over.

I wish Wednesday would never come.

I never dreamed that Id love somebody like you

and the truth is... that i miss you... so

2004-06-30T14:13:00.000-06:00

i cry.

Something bad inside me went away

2004-06-27T18:32:00.000-06:00

My day was kind of depressing.

I didnt go to church this morning.

I did go to work.

It was when I arrived at work I found out that I would not be attending church ce matin.

Why?

It seems that handicapped people have emotions [go figure.], too, but they are not tolerated.

So lets call the main character of my story Sandra, just to make this all happy and legal. Sandra has downs syndrome. Sandra is 40. Sandra has lived her whole life with 2 other people with downs syndrome and although the trio are as tight as family, thats all they are [a family..]. It should really not surprise anyone when they learn that Sandra, like [almost] every other person in the world, wants the kind of love that she cant get from her 'family'.

S0- is it really so strange that, after having been around a certain man for many a long years [attending church together and all], Sandra develops a crush. She tries to look nice to impress him and get his attention by flirting and other various ways. It would never work out with him [for a bunch of various reasons..], but everyone seems to know this but Sandra.

As an employee of the House, it suddenly my job to let Sandra know that shes in over her head and that "this kind of behavior is unacceptable" [direct quote from the official memo]. To enforce this, Sandra doesnt get to go to church [and I do mean to use the word "get". The people of the House do not go out much and every outing is an adventure to them. Even church.]. She cant stay home by herself because its unsafe [see: the only reason I am employed] so I [since she apparently likes me] stay home with her and make sure she carries out her "punishment" [which includes, besides skipping church, doing various chores around the House]. We did everything we were suppose to [I help her, because, well.. Im a softy and I already felt horrible for her] fairly early so we then [since this is a punishment and we arent allowed to play games] talked for a long while.

It started out fairly innocent. She asked me about things like my family, my favorite food, season, etc [Im a new employee and they dont know much about me yet] but it didnt take long to get on the subject of her not going to church. She cried but we eventually got through it. It was horrible.

The last thing she said to me in our time alone this morning:

"I am going to get married one day, you know."

I almost cried.

This whole situation was all messed up to me. On one hand, it wouldnt have worked between Sandra and this guy and it good to let her know that as not to build up her hopes and keep her head in reality and protect her against future disappointments. On the other hand, as my own person and is free of any [known] mental handicaps, I sometimes dont like to know when my head is in the clouds. Ive talked about this before and Ill more than likely talk about it again, but sometimes its better to not know if things are realistic, or hell, even possible. And thats to me, who has ever chance of it actually working out. If I were Sandra and all I had [and she may or may not know this but I know the management of the House sure as hell does] were multiple the possiblity of and nothing concrete, then Id want to keep what I had. At least in the possiblity of she doesnt die lonely.

All the dishes rattle in the cupboards when the elephants arrive

2004-06-26T17:45:00.000-06:00

I want to love you madly

Ahem.. ANYWAYS.. I like Cake..

So yes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY POP! My "old" man is officially 39 as of yesterday. We had a little shindig at my Grandmas place last night to celebrate him and the rest of the June babies that were present. For a family gather, it was shit loads of fun. My dad is piss hilarious when he's drunk.. and well.. he was pretty drunk [ : ) ]. I had the pleasure of being the official party photographer.. until i went home and someone else [who, judging by the quality of the pictures, was apparently also very much inebriated] took over.

.. I want to show you some pictures.. but theyre huge and I dont know how to resize them..

..hmm..

dont waste your precious breath explaining that you are worthwhile

2004-06-24T13:53:00.000-06:00

so.. Channing is cleaning his oven right now. This has been very amusing to me. Ive never seen anyone vacuum out their oven before. I have also never seen anyone was an oven with Safeway bags taped to their hands [for safety, of course, as oven clean is quite corrosive... and to be fair, that was my idea]. I have it in picture format as well.. but Im going with my better judgment and not posting that here.

Anyways, almost in time for fathers day [Im slow..] and his birthday [im a little premature..], I announce that my Dad has joined the blogging world at Crapbag. My Dad is my favorite person to discuss anything with [although his preferred topics focus more around Darwin, evolution and such and mine tend to be more in the area of same sex marriages..] so I think this should be interesting. And for those who think its weird that Im going to have a link [eventually..] to my Dads blog on mine can fuck right off, as my Dad is awesome and deserves his own link.

Other news.. um.. not so much.. My job kicks a whole lot of ass. My Tuesday shift has been moved to Friday which means I work Thursday through Sunday 8-4 which means I work 4 days, get a 3day weekend, which is a hellofalot better than work one day, one day off, lather, rinse, repeat. AND.. theyre going camping in August so I get a nice two week vacation Aug 15-28. Grand, eh?

Anyways, it is officially two o'clock: time to go swimming.. for free!

Forever, they ignored us and now the gossip only bores us

2004-06-17T22:24:00.000-06:00

hehehe.. you know youre a science geek when the add at the top of your blog is for organic chemistry data sources...

Anyways, for those who got that email from me about Raving Poets Night.. well, I am a moron.. Thats actually taking place Tuesday, as in the 22nd.. Not tonight. My bad. I doubt anyone actually went, but Im sorry if you showed up at the Backroom to find no Raving Poets but rather reggae and etc instead.. which might be cooler actually.. yeah.. anyways..

My Final is in less than 12 hours. I dont know how to do any calculation involving current. If I wasnt using it for almost every aspect of my life, Id hate current. Un yeah, so I should be cramming.. and I plan to be in less than 5 minutes..

In other random blog news: I have completely lost my profile. I went to add/update it the other day and it was missing. The link was completely gone off my "dashboard". So yeah, anyone who doesnt know will never have that opportunity. What a cryin shame.. or not so much.

And now, I am off to do my last cramsession for chem. It *almost* feels good

[none]

2004-06-15T14:53:00.000-06:00

Im in Cameron. I have no music here, expect if you count that noisy couple in the corner, but even then that is hardly good music.

So yes, Im in Cameron. I should be doing chemistry.. and I was! I was doing my *last* lab report when I did my calculation to find the % mass of my unknown that is nickel. Not a very hard calculation, as those of you who have done it know, and it is actually quite hard to fuck up. SO when I discovered that the % mass of my compound that is nickel turned out to be over 200 [%], I thought to myself "hmm.. well, this is either because a) I am a completey retarded and somehow divided 2 volume into concentration wrong [which I checked, and just for the record, was not the case] or b) my lab partner is a fucking monkey and doesnt know how to read the burette. I had worked with this boy before and, yes, he is quite the monkeys and *completely* capable of somehow managing to read 6.78ml as 15.41ml. Hes done it before and it looks like it did yet again.. SO.. the question now: how the hell am I suppose to determine the empirical formula of my unknown when nickel is 200% of it? The answer: I fail.

well.. I am off to SUB where I will continue to ponder this very deep and intricate question. And to those who say "hey, just make up a new number and use that", which was, of course, my first thought [and if organic chemistry taught me anything, its that in lying on your lab reports, the ends *always* justifies the means], it wont work. My TA, who is also a complete fucking loon [but a nice enough guy] takes a copy of our observations to prevent such 'incidences'.

and now, Im actually off to SUB.

I need you so much closer

2004-06-13T18:27:00.000-06:00

[Title brought to you by Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlanticim which, thanks to Micha, has been stuck in my head since Wednesday]

ANOTHER announcement
This friday is Newfie Night at the Greenhouse [crawling distance from my house]. I plan to take in the festivities after Michas shingdig. I encourage everyone to check out both events. Again: want more info: email the me.

So I've just [2 hours ago...] finished my first real shift at work and let me say that I have the best job ever anywhere. Its crazy to think I actually get paid to do my job. And paid well, at that.

So here is my day in point form:

-got to work at 8:50 where I said hello to everyone, read the log book and had 2 cups of free coffee
-went to church for the first time I can remember [and it was not nearly as boring as I thought it was going to be [I will discuss this more thoroughly later] ] where they gave me salvation *and* free brownies
-got back to the house for lunch, walk and 'leisure' [which translated into they rug hook and I get paid to do my lab reports]
-I go home $80 richer and 2 less lab reports to do.

Its hardly work at all. But the best part of it is that the people I look after are funny! Its like hanging out with friends for 8 hours and getting paid for it [which is something I was previously unfamiliar with].

Anyways, so church:
Very interesting. Yes it was very preachy but religion doesnt bother me at all [unless its used as a justification to bomb an abortion clinic or something as equally senile]. And everything [or very close to] that was said I was actually able to apply to myself if I just took 'the Lord' out of the picture. For example, they were talking about Joshua and Moses. Apparently while they were making their way through the desert, they hauled around this crazy big tent that they would set up far outside their camp to worship in. Why? Apparently its to take people away from the ordinary. [Note: the preachers words are in square brackets] They said to truly appreciate something [/God], you must take it [/Him] away from your routine life. And so they went on about stretching your life away from what has become familiar and pushing yourself to experience life [/God] in ways so that when its all over, you have no doubts that your life has not been a waste. Happy thought, is it not? I had the courage to climb ...something really big.. I was thinking Everest, but thats pushing it just a little bit. It was actually just like that urge I get sometimes [and Im sure Im not alone in this] to drop everything and buy a oneway ticket to Naples.

youre the fire in the snow though I believe that Im the only one who knows it

2004-06-09T21:01:00.000-06:00

YET ANOTHER SEMI-IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KIM

The following message will be emailed to those on my mass-emailing list in 10minutes.
I have this friend who is one of the greatest people I know. Lets call her Micha, for the sake of simplicity and because that just so happens to be her name. Micha, being the great-person-extraordinaire she is, is going to Hungary for the summer to save the world. Shes having a fundraiser on:

June 18th @ 6:30
Highlands Baptist Church
5351-112ave

In regards to how much: It is a dinner [lasagna, salad, breadsticks, plus whatever dessert I decide to make] and a 'show' and some crazyfun activities, so whatever you see fit for such an evening is fine. If you dont Micha and dont care about her worldsavingmissions then you can still come and not pay anything since there will be no secret police spying on you to make sure youre 'done your part'. If youre interested, let me know since she needs to know how many people to expect to feed. Questions, comments, dirty jokes can also be directed to yours truly. And with that, I have just spilt milk all over my bed. Fuck.

Anyways.

I dont have very much to say about anything right now. I am very tired and I still have a prelab and a lab report to do, both due tomorrow. Yum. So not only am I tired and hardly coherent, but unless you find Hess's Law or the Acid Base Equilibrium thrilling, I have nothing to talk to you about.

One week two days left and I get my life back.
: )

and there are those other things which for several reasons we wont mention

2004-06-05T00:33:00.000-06:00

everything about em is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder
a little bit deadly...

Have you ever wished you were a gay man?

I have...

I used to wish I was a man very frequently. I had/have many reasons for this ranging from the obvious physiological reasons to the more subtle sociological ones, but I dont really want to talk about those right now [I will save sexism and the horrors of womanhood for another day, or possibly never]. However, I like boys, so if I was man, Id have to be a gay man. See? It *does* make sense.. hahahaha-no..

What sparked such an offthewall comment? Im listening to Rufus Wainwright...

So yes, I havent posted in over a week! Why?? Because chemistry is ruining my life! Well, not so much right now. If I saw you at all on either Tuesday or Wednesday, it would have been the complete truth. For those who didnt know, I have to take chem102 in Spring session because I need it to get into my program but I didnt know this until January when I was taking chem101 [One week down, two to go!!]. The course itself is not very difficult and my prof is pretty great [I had heard horror stories, but I like her...] but the goddamnfucking labs are eating my soul! Well, okay the 2 hours a day I spend in the lab is not bad at all and can, in fact, be kinda fun.. in that "its a lab and I have to be here" sort of way. But the writeups!! We do the lab like 2 days before we cover the material in class and in Spring session, thats a really big deal and the lab manual was written by monkeys and is completely useless. So yes, I [along with almost everyone else in the class] spend hours in the help session room at times when I *should* be sleeping trying to figure out what the bloody fuck is going on. I swear, I spend like 3 hours doing like a page's worth of questions. And yes, there are labs everyday [except Friday thank god] so that means a prelab is due everyday. Reports arent so bad because, okay yeah they are twice as long, but by the time they are due, we usually have covered the material class so its not half as painful. [/rant] Ahhh.. that feels better...

But yes, this week has not been completely horrible. I got a job! and a kickass one at that! I will be spending my summer with my good friend Micha's trekie brother working as a "glorified babysitter" and they will pay me crazy amounts of money for the work that I do. I do my training hours tomorrow with Micha as my direct supervisor. This can go no where but great places.

I had my first real webcam experience on Thursday [it sounds dirty.. but it really wasnt.. sorry for anyone looking for porn on google] and this was the major product of our adventure:

Honestly, I dont know if it makes me want to laugh or cry. If youre leaning towards the latter, maybe these are more to your tastes:

I dedicate this one to Vanessa and Katie in their attempts to take "All Mouth" to the top of the charts. This should be on the flyer for your next gig.

I do not understand why we are blue, but it looks cool!

You cant see it so well with this photo, but because Channings roof is all messed up and stair-like, the light makes the walls/roof look like a desert.. But in *this* one, it looks like my arm is wasting away, which makes it more fun that the one with just the lamp and the crazy roof which has more desert character.

Single greatest face ever: the "Im Thinking Something Devious" Half-Smile
: )

And with that I will leave you with my favorite Rufus lyrics of this moment [yes I am listening to this song right now...]:

I dont want somebody to love me
Just give me sex whenever I want it
Because I ask for is
Instant pleasure...mmm

"I was dying and being praised for it"

2004-05-27T02:33:00.000-06:00

Please read this one.. after the --- line.. I have written somethings that I would really like to have people actually read. Thank you.

The title, for the first time since my first post, is not a song lyric from the song that I am currently listening to. This is partly because I am not listening to any music [I feel my midnight headache coming on... at.. 2:30am..] and also because I wanted to ramble about something much more serious than the usual drivel found on here. I will drivel, though... but not as much.. and maybe you will be able to tell the start of the serious from the stop of the drivel.. but it is 2:30 in the morning, though, so I promise nothing [except a well placed --- line!!]. What could this subject of seriousness possible be, you will ask. And I will tell you, but first I need milk.

We currently have THREE open jugs of milk in our fridge, one of each % variety up until 2.. Why? I have no freaking idea, but having the choice is nice... We DO go through crazy amounts of milk here, but I think three jugs at once [and by jugs, I am referring to those monster 4L plastic jugs] is a bit much. I could be wrong, I guess.. I mean, I have been drinking crazy amounts of milk lately, since milk and yogurt are about the only two food substances in existence that dont irritate my throat right now. Its good, though, because with the amount of calcium Ive consumed in the last week, I will NEVER get osteoporosis in this lifetime***.

Thanks to everyone who helped resolve the accurately named Sexy Instrument Battle. I will soon be informing Micha of her defeat. Muahaha.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, I want to talk about body image and all the fun eating disorders and such that come along with it [for those who may not have ever actually heard me speak, when I said fun, it was meant sarcastically..]. I was watching this show today before I embarked on my day's adventure [I forget the name, but it was some talk show on a-channel] that was all about body image and I really enjoyed it. I like it that people are talking about this now and recognize that this is a huge problem in our society. Obviously I have done very much/any of my own research, but one statistic they had on the show was that somewhere between 200 000 and 300 000 women between 14 and 24 suffer from anorexia nervousa and double that have bulimia nervosa. Is that not disgusting? The horrible part about it is that "sub-clinical" disorders arent included in that [for those who dont know: that sorta refers to people who have some symptoms of a disorder but not enough, like only starving yourself SOMETIMES or not frequent enough for it to be an all out disorder.. and horrible things like that. If anyone cares, I can go into the technical definition and such]. So yes. Its a problem. I dont think there is any denying that.

So the title quote, "I was dying and being praised for it" was said by one of the guys on the show who was a researcher of some sort [look at me being full of COMPLETE facts..] who had an eating disorder and was able to overcome it. He said that yes, he was losing weight and looking 'better' but because of it but his body was deteriorating. But people dont see that. The see the weightloss which directly translates into 'good' in todays WESTERN culture [There was a study done [this was talked about on that show I watched] in [I believe..] Fiji where it was found that after the introduction of television and western media to the community, the cases of eating disorders skyrocketed. Is Western Culture at the root of this problem? hmm...] so people were complimenting this man on his accomplishments. No one cares that he was killing himself to do so; he looked good and thats all anyone saw or cared about. Its sick.

I dont mean to say its not healthy to be thin or unhealthy to be big, but understand that your body can only take so much stress. It is healthier to be bigger at a constant weight than to be smaller and lose and gain weight often [aka "yo-yoing"]. The emphasis SHOULD be on cardiovascular health [something, I will admit, that I am sadly lacking at the moment..]. You dont need to be thin to be in good shape. [I will talk about myself since its all I can talk about with certainty] When I was in high school and running sprints for rugby more frequently than I would have liked, I was in better cardiovascular health than I think anyone in my entire family has ever been. I was a big kid and yet I know I was a lot healthier than some [one comes to mind very quickly.. ahem] of my 'skinny' [and otherwise beautiful] friends. The point of this story: you shouldnt look at someone's weight alone to determine the health risk they face.

But we dont tell people that. We fill magazines and tv and movies [and if someone says that this isnt where the problem is coming from, theyre blind and/or ignorant] full of people who was, as a society, consider beautiful and then, in the tiny disclaimer and the bottom of the screen we say something about how this may not reflect reality or whatever. Im not saying we shouldnt let beautiful people on tv because it will destroy the minds of our youth, but where the fuck is the balance?! How many chubby kids do you see in movies UNLESS they are SUPPOSE to be the chubby kid that everyone picks on and such. Can you think of 10 heavy actresses before you think of 25 thin ones? The media doesnt like fat. Fat doesnt sell, unless its in a hamburger.

Disclaimer: The images in the media are distorted.

I bitch but do I act? I hope so and in my own way I think I help. Im not saving the world from any epidemic, but I like to thing I help where I can. [and mr.t says you can too!]

Think about your own ideals for a second. Just yours, and no one elses. What do you find acceptable? appealing? attractive? Ive been talking about this quite a bit lately, although not in this context, and in terms of the opposite gender, I dont think my ideals really match the medias at all. I do not find muscles all that sexy. You know, those rippling biceps you hear so much about? Yeah?, does nothing for me. I like chub. I find a guy with a beer belly much more attractive than one with a six pack [all other characteristics remaining equal]. But thats me. Im not saying that I cant find guys with muscles attractive [a certain ABs player comes to mind.. mmmm... flanker...] but its sure as hell not required or even preferred. So, do YOU prefer the blonde with the dangerously low body fat percentage?

When Im talking about myself, its a completely different story. I am a hypocrite, I will admit, but I dont really know how much I can do to change that. I am not alone when I say that there are times when I really hate myself, or at least, certain features of myself. I do now and I did when I was running sprints in high school. I cant really help it. This isnt a consistent thing, though. Mostly, I am indifferent and neither love nor hate my body. There are times, this very moment being one of them, that I really dont care if everyone else thinks Im too big to be wearing low riders [see: Backlash on Dan Savage]. I still dont find myself attractive but lucky for me that doesn't really matter right now. I dont hate myself for it and I think thats the important thing. I am not willing to starve myself to attain whatever standard I think is acceptable for me/you/joeblowdownthestreet/whoever and I really dont want other people thinking that they have to starve themselves for me or whoevers opinion they care about [If anything, I will start running again as that can do nothing but good for me [hahaha.. no. Im lazy [and sick...] right now.. [Maybe at the end of my class...yeah..] [and this is why I am a chub muffin : ) ].]. holy crapload of square brackets batman!]. But why I even care in the first place Im not completely sure. I mean, just 2 paragraphs ago I said I didnt like the meidas ideal of beauty and I really hope Im not alone in that, but I dont know if Im not. I maybe, or at leat damn close to alone. Maybe Im afraid that everyone else has been brainwashed and I will remain an outcast of society forever. Maybe not, but I will do my part none the less: Does the one you care about know you love his belly?
: )

And with that, it is now 3:30 and I think my head is going to implode with pain. I want to keep going on this, but by morning, I probably wont. Thank you for reading as I really do think this is important. Do your part! Spread love! Not STDs!

Bonne Nuit

***
To help prevent osteoporosis, you need to consume lots of calcium and vitamin D regularly.. not only weeks when you can eat nothing but calcium and vitamin D.

Its nothing personal but I guess they cant get hurt by somebody that they dont really know

2004-05-22T16:32:00.000-06:00

So yes. With my favorite pastime gone camping for the weekend [and I say that with nothing but love], I thought I would have a lot of time to get things done that I had been putting off since school ended, but no! Of course, I ended up getting sicker than all hell and have spent the last few days laying either on my bed semi-sleeping or on the couch semi-sleeping [see, I can use my computer from bed whilst I semi-sleep, so that isnt a problem].

But this is sick is bloody crazy! Its the worst from about 1am to about 10am in the morning. I get all feverish and freeze [even though Im wearing like 4 layers, plus 2 blankets] and all the bones in my body ache and its impossible to actually sleep. But then 10 o'clock rolls around and I start to cool down and shed some layers and actually sleep until like 1:30 or so. Then I get up, and everything still hurts, but its bearable. Right now, Im very dizzy and my throat feels like I have just smoked a 1000 cigarettes. Fun times!

This didnt stop me from going to the show at the Yardbird Suite last night. Micha drove so I didnt have to worry about getting all delirious while driving home. It was fun times and I only really got nauseous during the break when we were all up and about. As for the show itself, I am copying and pasting this review from an email, because I am too tired to bother writing a new one [even though Ive probably slept more in the past few days than all of you combined]. Enjoy:

The show itself was crazy and I really doubt you would have liked it, because, well, there were points where I didnt like it [and neither did Katie and Micha]. It was divided into two halves and I thoroughly enjoyed the first half. It was all Brett Miles [saxophone extrondaire] doing duets with various people [the best ones being the duet with the drummer which was INCREDIBLY funky [best part of the evening.. he played his beer for godsake! It was crazy!] and the guy with the diggeridoo] and then he had a few monologues and such which were pretty impressive. The second half was him and his band playing while interpretative dancers did their thing in front of the stage. Im not one for interpretative dance usually, and some of it was not that bad, but a good portion of it was defiantly not that good. But they defiantly overshadowed the music, which I thought was horrible. The music itself, in the second half was all one 'song' and it was good in parts, but it was too chaotic for my tastes and would have been much better with a little structure. Katie adequately summed up the whole second half as "numbing", which is what it became after about 40minutes of it.

But this drummer! He was amazing! I just want to emphasize that a little more. Not only did he play his beer [and it wasnt even a bottle a beer but a glass of beer!!], he played his drums with maracas, which may be something drummers do all the time, but I had never seem it before so I thought it was pretty creative and it sounded incredible. I think his name was Merit Tyler or something like that. I was just going to check the program when I got home to actually find out, but the program says John Logan.. which doesnt sound anythign like Merit Tyler, so Im going to assume that its wrong. I will maybe call the Yardbird tonight and ask, because I would love to know if he is part of any other projects right now. I hope so. Amazing.

Quick closing question: Which instrument [excluding the standup bass, of course] is the sexiest: the saxophone or the chello? If you must, then you can say something else. Your help in resolving this matter is appreciated.

I wanna run away and I wanna see the world but I probably never will

2004-05-18T12:02:00.000-06:00

This is my first ever second post in one day... even though I did sleep between them, so its like a new day to me..

Anyways, why would I be posting in my blog when its beautiful outside?? Well, I have CDs that are due back at the library that require my attention first and Im halfway done. So dont worry [not that I thought you were..] because there will be plenty of outside for me, just in like 20minutes.

Since its only been about 12 hours since my last post, I dont have too much news for you. I DID add some more blogs to my list of 'friends' at the bottom. I sincerely doubt that anyone who is part of "The Manjournal" knows me but I dont care because its funny. I have a feeling Gary sometimes reads my blog [unless it was Vanessa in the EE Club that day....] and well, he is great... Keith has also just started a blog and well, there I go.

Got time to wonder, to waste and to whine

2004-05-18T00:14:00.000-06:00

but when it comes to you it seems like I just cant find the time

Yes I realize that this is probably one of the longest stretches Ive gone without updating my blog since Ive started it and while Steve 'Smurray' Smith bitches about his 80+ hit count, mine has fallen from 30ish to 7 in the past few days. Im assuming this is because I have not updating anything or maybe my regulars have found better things to do with their time. Im not too upset about this however, because I have had some interesting hits recently. My favorite being the person who found me while looking for 'zenaris on first'[Zenaris is cool so Im going to assume that whoever did that search is cool and therefore cool people have found my blog through means other than Steve 'the Blog King' Smith's]. If you have become a regular and are now reading this, I would recommend the pesto gnocci. Very tasty stuff. I have also had a repeat viewer from Calgary which makes me curious since I dont know of anyone who knows me well enough to care about my Blog in Calgary. I mean, okay they could have accidentally stumbled in once from some google search gone wrong, but to come back again makes me wonder. Anyways, hello to you from Edmonton!

Anyways, enough about my not-so-existent-hit-count. Let me tell about my life since Thursday.

THURSDAY
I slept A LOT. It was fun. Later that evening [ahem...] my dear friend Katie [W. for those of you who also know multiple Katies] and I embarked on an adventure that led us to some of the most scandalous parts of town. Where we went and what we did exactly I can not say due to the potential readership of this blog entry, but for those of you who also like to indulge in passionate and scandalous adventures, let me know and maybe next time [and oh yes, there will be a next time] you may join us.

After our adventure, we took in a showing of The Corporation at The Princess, which, I agree, everyone should be forced to see. I had no idea that corporations were privitizing water around the world. There were many points in the film where I felt sick that people would actually do such horrific acts in the name of profit.

FRIDAY
My "manfriend" [creative credit awarded to Shirley] joined me and my family for dinner that evening. It was fine, as I know it would be. There were no embarrassing moments and he has agreed to see me again so I cant really call the evening anything but a success. I dont really have much more to say about this, as I think this adventure has lost most of its soap opera character and is beginning to more so resemble a halfnormal relationship. I think this is good knows for me, since, well, soap operas are fun, but they can be tiring. However this may be bad news for my blog since I wont have to vent here about it as much.

SATURDAY
Fret not those who enjoy my venting! Yes one relationship has become more peaceful but I fear that war is brewing in my household. I may need to spend several hours venting about that on here if things get as bad and I think they might. Why would things be so bad at my house? Well, I live at home with my mom, my dad, my sister and my two dogs. Things are usually pretty okay around here and fairly peaceful. For those of you who didnt know this, I am freshly 18 and well, I have had no trouble 'adjusting' to adulthood, it seems that my parents are not adjusting as smoothly. Since I think a good portion of you, dear readership, are [much?] older than me and my have gone through this same war several years back, advise is always welcome. What does this have to do with Saturday? Well, I exercised the 'Im 18 and apparently dont have a curfew' thing and well, apparently when I was told I 'dont have a curfew', what was meant is I in theory I dont have a curfew, in reality I dont have a clue whats going on. Well, I have a clue, buts its very messed up. There are multiple other reasons why things are uneasy here [to name a few topics: my sister and her no-longer-not-boyfriend, a revolt against my moms nazi cleaning tactics, drunk centaurs] but they either dont need to be discussed now or are far too personal to ever make it to the likes of my blog.

I saw 21 grams Saturday. It was a very strange movie, but I think I liked it. It just took me almost the whole movie to figure out what was going on.

SUNDAY
Mmmm Sunday... I had a great day yesterday. I woke up happy even though my sleep was choppy and short. I made french toast in a kitchen that had recently been stripped bare so we had to use makeshift utensils [ie. pot = bowl] . We almost had to use a pot as a frying pan [and pray that we didnt burn ourselves in our attempts to flip the toast] but the help came from the 24th floor when Dave offered up the use of his frying pan. Well, he didnt so much offer as we did ask, but he was nice about it, although we DID feed him bananas and french toast so I guess he should have been nice..

What else productive happened on Sunday? Well, the gareep was born:

When I got home that evening [my first time since violating my nonexistent curfew by about a day or so], thats when I had the growing up talk with my dad [how many times did I mention Dad vs. Zarza in THIS post?? Youve got at least a 3:1 ratio running so far.. : ) ..]. Fun times. Or not so much really. The beautiful thing about my dad, for those of you who dont know him, is that, for the most part, he gets it. I dont usually have to explain too much just for that reason and its very easy to talk to him. I was kind of worried, going home, that the war of my house might start then, but I avoided conversation with my mom quite well [and quite tactfully, I thought] and went straight to my dad, which turned out to be my best possible course of action.

MONDAY
Today, I have mastered the art of speed vacuuming! I really hate vacuuming. You probably didnt know this, but now you do! I would rather sweep and mop a floor than vacuum it [yes I realize that doesnt work with carpet]. I dont know what it is about vacuuming that irritates me but it does, so, you see, speed vacuuming [which follows the same principles as speed chemistry, although it is a little less life-threatening than speed chemistry] is one of the most useful skills that I have learned in the past few days, and I have learned a few skills.

After a tasty dinner of corn fajitas [really now.. were we that desperate the use the baby corn up?] and several hours of fucked up pacman and family guy, my dad, my sister and I all went for coffee and discussed the delicate situation of our household unit [see, this drama isnt all in my head..]. It was decided, among other things, that there is no way to make my 'growing up' easier on my parents and that I need to just do what I think is best.. which is what I was trying to do anyways. We'll see how well this works out in the next few weeks. If nothing else, it could make for some interesting blog posts.

IN THE DAYS TO COME
I have to work a bingo tomorrow at the bingo hall in londonderry mall. Anyone with nothing else to do should come play bingo from 5pm to midnight and keep Vanessa and I company.. Please..

EDIT
So yes, this shindig at the yardbird suite:

Brett Miles' Explosion
Friday May 21st
Doors at 8
Show at 9
Members $5 Guests $9

Why should you come? Because not only does he play the flute AND the [sexy] saxophone, but hes got a thespian in his band AND his very own dancer and painter! Art for ALL of your senses, well, except maybe taste.. but Im sure we could arrange that if you really wanted.

If you need a little more persuasion, known-hacks Roman Kotovych, Greg Harlow and Sam Power [well, Im not sure if Sam is a hack, but Im going to give her the benefit of the doubt until someone tells me otherwise] were in attendance at last weeks $3 jam session, so who knows who will be there Friday!

Theres a still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

2004-05-13T00:13:00.000-06:00

Theres still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Its still a little hard to say whats going on

I saw The Delicate Art of Parking tonight at the Garneau. My sister won a contest off the Bear, like she does every week, and since I went to pick up her Bif Naked tickets from the station way on the other side of town, she gave the movie passes, since I really wanted to see this movie anyways. It was pretty damn funny and I would recommend it to everyone. Im not going to give you a review of it because I find those always give away the good stuff and since I didnt see anyone there tonight, Im going to assume that none of you have seen it yet and dont want to know all the good stuff. It made for a wonderful evening, but I also had kick ass company.
: )

And to you, Mr. Anonymous comment poster, let me just tell you that I know who you are, courteous of the crazy computer address that I am now able to use to identify some of you [SOME being the keyword.. but you are one of them, so HA!]. I got a hit from France and the Electrical Engineering club the other day. I have a fairly good guess who this would be. My only [interesting] google search was for 'homemade hoho pictures'.

Anyways, in regards to your comment, Mr. Anonymous, ... you have no idea how right you are. And to everyone who does know, I am sorry for my horribleness.

Keeping with my preferred topic of this blog, things are still getting better. Its kinda scary because its been like a week since things started to actually happen [a little more than a week maybe] but I dont know how much better they could get. It seems like every night [or almost every night] when I come home, things seem just that much greater than the night before. It scares me because I never know how they could get better, but somehow they just seem to. But sometimes everything scares me so I dont know how much merit to give this.

But scary has its good points. Its always exciting when its scary. And its only scary when I think about it. When we're together and Im enjoying how things are, rather than thinking about their greatness, Im just happy and love how natural it feels. There seems to be a certain freedom to it, especially recently. I mean, usually I get nervous and Im kinda tense in these sorts of situations, but there is none of that. Im relaxed and dont really worry about anything much and it makes me incredibly happy. I can appreciate all of it. At first, as I may or may not have expressed in some of my earlier entries, I thought that if it ever progressed into anything, I wouldnt appreciate it as much as I did then just because I am horrible sometimes and I do that. But it hasnt happened. Its better than it was then and I love it more so than I did then, and then I loved it.

and Im only as good as I think you think I am

2004-05-11T00:13:00.000-06:00

and youre only as good as you think I think you are

Im listening to Greg MacPherson, which is something that I havent really been able to stop doing since Saturday night. This song is bloody amazing.

and you cant see through what I dont want to show you

In the news today: you all suck [with the exception of Micha, Vanessa, Channing, Kawanami and Vikram], and I say that with all the love possible. I was outside FREEZING for 6 hours today at the campus security fair which everyone reading this knew about since I posted it in here. And I may not know who you are, but I know your crazy computer addresses and I know there were more than Micha, Vanessa, Channing, Kawanami and Vikram who read it.. you know who you are... Anyways I was wearing 5 layers, but I swear it didnt feel like much more than 2 [the top layer being the technicolored SADD jacket with many-a-unnecessary pockets that made me feel like a superhero. really, it was fun.. if only you monkeys [sans Micha, Vanessa, Channing, Kawanami and Vikram] had been there...]. But yes, the hamburgers were very good and cheap and it was actually a lot more fun [minus the icy fingers and toes] than I thought it was going to be. Yay campus security!

Anyways, I am feeling very strange tonight. I dont think I like this. Its almost a horrible feeling with some good features. Its good because of the same reasons its been great all week. Its new, its exciting and it seems to fit really well. It feels horrible because, well honestly, Im not sure. Something feels bad and it will probably take me a few days to figure out exactly what. By that time, I will have probably stopped feeling like this. I have also not decided if I think this is a good thing. If I keep feeling like this, then the next few days are going to suck a lot of ass, but I will have figured it out and most likely resolve whatever the hell my problem is. If I forget, then I will be happy and have fun, but then its more than likely to resurface and cause me more grief. Really, everything is great. There arent too many ways this could have unfolded better. The start was very bumpy and I have a feeling that its going to continue to bump for a while. I think I can be okay with that. I learned a lot tonight that I think helped me put things in perspective [can you tell I stopped writing this for about half an hour and came back to it? do I seem less flustered? because I am]. All I can really say is that I dont think communication has EVER been this good, and for now Im going to take that as a damn good thing.

Im tired. and preoccupied.

: )

some nights I can sink like a stone, look around and completely understand... and some nights I dont

2004-05-09T01:50:00.000-06:00

This evening was great. Last evening was great. This week is not slowing in its greatness at all. But yes, this evening, I ending up, pretty well on the spur of the moment, going to a concert at the Powerplant to see bands that I had never heard of before. The first band [Division & Wellesley] was very fitting for the mood I was in. I thoroughly enjoyed the mellowness that they brought to my evening. The second band, was not bad, but I wouldnt have missed them had they not been there. The third, however, was just a boy with his guitar [Greg MacPherson] but my god it was probably one of the most intense performances I have ever seen. As entertaining as it was, there was a certain substance to his music that really got me thinking about things after I left, although you probably wouldnt be able to tell from the crazy amount energy that I had.

The one of the first things I remember thinking about wasnt so much a cause of the music but rather this crazy drunk man dancing to it at the front of the stage. His dancing was seriously out there showing elements of both the crazy and the drunk, but he was dancing like he honestly didnt care that the room was full of people thinking that he was a crazy drunk man and I think thats the beauty of it. If you can dance like nobody is watching when somebody is watching, you are truly gifted, I think. Its something that I really wish I could do, but for whatever reason, I cant. I do dance like nobody is watching but its always when I am pretty certain that nobody is watching, like in the privacy of my basement. If I think someone is, I get all messed up and my train of thought shifts to them and Im not longer dance like nobody is watching.

Ive done it once. It was last summer and I was walking through downtown with Micha. We had just had a fancy dinner together, probably for no reason at all. We got to Churchill Square and it was raining [but one of those nice warm, summer rains -my favorite of all the weather types] and there was a stage set up [why, I still dont know] and there was a group playing a very crazy kinda of music with lots of percussion and kinda carribeantype singing [right down our alley kind of stuff]. There wasnt really any audience except an old asian man who looked like he may have been homeless who was dance like nobody is watching. Inspired, we did the same and it was beautiful and great fun. The crazy part is that I started a new job at the Juice Fare in Edmonton Centre a week or so later and while I was talking to one of the girls who worked there, she stopped and said I looked really familiar. The feeling wasnt mutual, but we stopped anyways to try and figure out where she had seen me before. Then it came to her: I was the crazy girl dancing in the rain that day in Churchill Square that she had seen while she was waiting for her bus after work one day. I was a little embarrassed but she, being half crazy herself, thought it was great and it made for a great laugh for the both of us during a very slow Friday night shift in the mall.

I had a bunch of other things I wanted to talk about, more serious things, but I forget most of them and the ones I remember are a fairly inappropriate for my blog given the readership, or possible readership, I guess. Maybe one day you will hear my thoughts on such selectively tabooed subjects.

youd make a pretty fine memory

2004-05-07T00:58:00.000-06:00

*******SEMI IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IF YOU ARE ME OR ANYONE WHO ENJOYS MY COMPANY AND CAMPUS SAFETY AND HAMBURGERS AND THE CAMPUS FOOD BANK*******

Well, as Vice President Events for SADD this summer and all of a next year, and as a generally good person, I will be manning the SADD booth at the Campus Security Day-O-Fun-AND SAFETY [I actually have no idea what the name of the event is, but I will be there to answer all of your questions but 'what is the name of this event?'!] on MONDAY MAY 10th, 10am to 4pm in CELEBRATION PLAZA. There will also be pop and hamburgers available for $2 which goes towards the Campus Food Bank. So everyone who was up in arms about the lack of funding to the food bank should be there with hungry, hungry stomachs and pockets full of twoonies. Any questions, email yours truly via the addy on the side of this page!

I will be copying and pasting this into a mass email in about 5 minutes. If you are not on my mass email list and would like to be for whatever reason you can also use the addy on the side to talk to me about that. For the record, I will not spam you or forward you 'if youre my friend, youll send this back' crap because friends wouldnt send friends that nonsense. Its mostly announcements such as the one above that make it to my mass emails and some funny, perverted jokes.

its not that we're scared, its just that its delicate

2004-05-06T01:30:00.000-06:00

So coming home on the train tonight I was approached by a man who then asked me for a cigarette. I told him I didnt have any and all was well. This isnt uncommon on the train so I thought nothing of it. About two minutes later he moves over to the seat across for me and says "how would you like to know about love?". It it hadnt been for the security guys a few seats in front of me, I probably would have been a little freaked out, but instead I had to use all of my willpower to keep from laughing. So I politely declined and said "Im sorry; Im not interested." Then he looks at me like IM the one on crack [which he obviously was] and then proceeded to tell me his life story. Apparently he is 19, has 3 kids [hmm...], he just lost his job [and $100 000 somewhere; I didnt understand this part] and his fiance just left him and took his kids with her. Now he seemed like a nice enough guy, considering, so I was listened to his story and threw in some appropriate comments here and there. He ended it all with "and THATS what you dont know about love", and it was true [for those who dont know me, I do not have a fiance, 3 kids or $100 000 to loose]. It was very educational, for a midnight train ride home.

with the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers

2004-05-05T14:12:00.000-06:00

So I am, as we speak, talking to some British girl named Kim via msn. I have no idea where she came from but shes pretty funny, but I may just like her because she thinks that Canadian accents are sexier than the American counterpart, and she hates the queen [it was really funny at the time.. Which was about 2 minutes ago]. BUT apparently British people don't find Irish accents sexy [I didn't ask about Scottish] which, besides being crazy, begs the question, how can I now take her telling me that Canadians are sexier than Americans seriously? I cant, because her judgment is screwed. If Americans are closer to the Irish in sexiness, then really that would make Americans sexier than Canadians, would it not? [I am, all the way through the paragraph, talking about accents, not Americans/Canadians as a whole]. [Now shes filling me in on the soap opera that is the royal family, that she hates. Its even better than my soap opera]

While Im talking about accents: Its very clear to most people that I think Irish and Scottish accents are the hottest of the hot, at least for the boys. The girls, on the other hand, sound scary. I don't see how their accents could be considered sexy. So, boys, what accents are sexy on women? Because its sure as hell not Scottish...

---

I went to the Yardbird Suite for the first time yesterday and I really REALLY liked that place. It was $3 Jam Session night yesterday and most everyone was amazing. They played Coltrane! I first heard John Coltrane when I was walking through some bookstore a long time ago and that's what actually got me listening to jazz so it seemed fitting. The owner/organizer/sax player/important person even gave us a personal welcome to the club and tried to convince us to play that evening. We tried to tell him that we were not actually musicians, well, Micha is, even if she doesn't think so. The only horrible thing about that place is that its closing down for the summer. I don't know why.

when you were young, you were the king of carrot flowers

2004-05-04T02:34:00.000-06:00

Crazy amounts of fun were had by me these past few days. Yesterday I spent about 3 hours cleaning and vacuuming the inside of the van and come out smelling like windex and armor all which is the sexiest of smells, by the way. I didnt end up paying to fix the tire so in cleaning out the beast, I get to drive again, for free [with the added perk of the windex-armor all stench], not that I have anywhere that I need to drive to anytime soon. The highlight of my 3 hours was when I found a freaking huge spider that lived in the back of my van. I thought it was a rock at first, until I moved toward it with the vacuum and it sprouted legs and ran anyway. I never did find it again so I guess its probably still living in the back somewhere. I did destroy all of its webs, though, not realizing that a spider still resided in them.

So then if was off the my grandmas for a miniature family function of sorts. The food was good, as it always is with my grandma [mmm.. herb and asiago pasta...ahhhh]. Shes started a diet recently, inlight of finding out she had elevated blood sugar levels. Its been really good for her but its kind of exciting for me too, because now I have someone to go grocery shopping with who understands when I stop to read all of the labels. Its amazing the crazy stuff that they put in our food and yet we eat it and have no idea it was there. There are cyclamates in my toothpaste for gods sake! Now, I don't generally eat my toothpaste, but I do put it in my mouth [which, I hope, is what you also do with your toothpaste] so I think I have cause enough to be concerned.

Anyways, from grandma house, I was off to the bar! The Druid on Jasper to be exact and I really liked the place. IM not sure if it was because it was Sunday or if it was because it was downtown, but the place was dead and, get this, virtually smokeless! The bathrooms were kind scary, though, as you had to choose a stall that either locked or had a functioning, flushable toilet. You couldn't have both, but Ness and I were able to collect some random plumbing parts as souvenirs that made it all worth it in the end. All in all, it was a good night, with some moments [much] better than others. I guess there were no bad moments, but it was much different from Wednesday when I went out with the work boys because this time friends from not work were there so talking about work was kind rude since only have the people present would know what was going on. Wednesday was all pretty well kitchen gossip, which can be pretty damn funny if you know the people, but if you don't, it would seem pretty stupid and IM pretty sure that's how it came off this time, but oh well. I heard someone talking about [EDIT:]spiderbabies on the train today and I just about died laughing.. Again... . Micha didnt get it, but I assured her it was funny [yes, that sentence was related to the rest of the story..].

But yes, Micha is back from Mexico now [!!!!] and so we were able to spend the day together today. We went downtown and attempted to do one of my least favorite things ever: shop for jeans. Yes I realize that as a girl I am suppose to enjoy shopping but really, shopping for jeans is of the most frustrating things I could spend my time on. You might ask, what could possibly make shopping for jeans so bloody frustrating to which I would say to you that there are many reasons for this. For one, I am cheap. I refuse to pay anything more than $40 for a pair of jeans and at that prices they best be the amazing jeans. But finding cheap jeans is not the real problem. There are many of those. The main problem is that no one and I mean no one makes plain jeans anymore. Pretty well every pair of 'ladies' jeans have pockets at the knees or butterflies sewn into the legs or stretch! There is nothing more uncomfortable to wear than stretch jeans, except maybe leather, but that's it. All I want is a pair of straight legged jeans sans any crazy bells or whistles or fake-wearlines that they bleach into them now, for less than $40. It cant be done. /rant. But we didnt actually do much jean shopping today. We tried, but it got really hard for us [we actually found one store who sold their 'normal' jeans for $296. Who would pay such a crazy price for jeans?] so really we spent more time in HMV and the body shop, eventually ending up at Zenaris for lunch. She gave me some very useful moral counseling and which really eased my mind.

And then there was council.. and I am willing to bet that almost anyone who reads this was either there or really doesnt care so I wont really comment on it. With the exception of the budget part [which I understand is important but don't understand enough to follow along with], it was great times. Sorry to leave early, but it was either that or spend the night in SUB, which as exciting as it sounds, would really prevent me from sleeping [I actually JUST made my last bus, so if I had stayed any later, it would have been extra fun getting home].

---

If you look down at the bottom of my page, you will now see a funny box with a blue circle and a pink squiggly line. That box, my friends, means [for those who don't already have a funny box with a blue circle and a pink squiggley line of their own] I get to know who visits my page and when. However, I don't so much get to know what person visits here as I get to know some crazy computer address that, in fact, means nothing to me unless everyone tells me the name of their internet provider [and even then, IM not too sure it will help me, matter unless youre the 3web user. I miss 3web...]. And thus far, no hits from New Zealand...

Contest update: Krista is in the lead [yay!!] with her one correct lyric-song match. I don't know how long I will hold this for. Either until I get bored of it or it becomes very apparent that no one else listens to Modest Mouse

im still waiting for next weeks chemical blast

2004-05-01T12:43:00.000-06:00

So I am suppose to be on the yellowhead right now heading towards west edmonton mall, but as you can tell, I am not. Why? I broke my car. Somehow I managed to pop the tire, which I didnt notice as I was pulling out of the garage. I knew the car was driving weird, but I didnt realize why until it starting making this metal-on-metal grinding noise and I saw the hub cap roll in front of the car. Im no mechanic. I wish I had taken mechanics in high school but I didnt so at this point I had no idea what to do. My car was stopped in the middle of our alley and the tire is completely off the rim. So I called the only person that has never once in my life failed me in moments like these: my grandpa. Following his advice, I very slowly backed the 3-wheeled vehicle back onto the driveway, which was incredibly difficult, and now that is where it rests until someone can help me fix the tire. Im not even sure we have an extra tire so a trip to Canadian Tire might be in my very near future.

Anyways, Steve, I have always been an apologizer [when I was in junior high, my neighbors mom would always tell me to quit apologizing and then Id say sorry for saying sorry]. I just couldnt help it]. It seems only right that my blog reflects that so all of my statements from the last post still stand. And no, none of the lyrics are from anything by Paul Simon or that of the Garfunkle variety. Give me a week and Ill see if I can fix that. And I support the vegetarian motion. If you end up going through with it, Im chalkful of relevant nutritional advice for you.

Ross, I never worked for Northlands. I worked for Dominion Sports Service, and technically I still work for them, even though I havent been to the Skyreach Center in over 2 months. See, they work funny there in that, if youre quitting, you do it in September before the new hockey season starts. Weird, but it works [these are the same people who held their staff christmas party 2 weeks ago]. And yes, one of the three blogs I read that one night so long ago was yours, but I skipped whatever paragraphs were about hockey.

In keeping with the trends set by Steve [or not so much set, but he made me aware of it therefore he gets the credit since I have no idea who Duncan is]:

"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want and I will answer it. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything."

So Steve, my three questions for you are:

1. How do you know that someone from New Zealand was on your page?

2. Can I get a hard copy of the Student Council bylaws and if so, where? [one question mark=one question, my friend]

3. If you were a nut, what kind of nut would you be?

To Ross:

1. What gas station is it that you work at [Im going to need an address, for, as I proved Wednesday night, I have no idea what the hell is going on in Millwoods]?

2. What was the name of the town you stayed in while you were in Quebec?

3. If the Calgary Flames, in their entirety, ceased to exist [lets say, they all decided to take up luge instead], what would you do?

---

So my soap opera has taken a rather interesting turn. Remember when I said that if someone I didnt want reading this read this, then Id deal with it then? Well, apparently it not only happened, but its but its been happening for a while. But the outcome wasnt half as bad as I thought it would be, actually things kinda turned pretty good [my parents just got home. Apparently Ive completely destroyed the rim on the car.. yay for expensive mechanics bills!], well, as good as finding out that the person youve practically devoted [note word choice, katie] your internet journal to knows EVERYTHING that youve written about him can go. It doesnt really bother me so much. I mean, theres nothing on here I wouldnt have told him had he asked. But how would you feel if you came across something like this? Ive never found a blog devoted to me before but I am fairly certain that it would feel at least a little bit creepy. I didnt get the feeling that he was at creepped out by this, though, which I thought was quite the bonus. If anything, he seemed to feel bad for reading it and has said that he wont be coming back. It doesnt really matter now, though, that everything is all out in the open on both sides.

I still have no idea what Im doing, especially now that the limits arent as concrete. I mean, I still want this to be something, that hasnt changed, but how soon is too soon?

out the window with an itch of regret

2004-04-30T01:06:00.000-06:00

I wish more artists put their lyrics on the inside of their cd jackets, especially when they slur their words when they sing. I like to know what they are saying, and not what other people have interpreted their mumblings to mean. It would just be nice. Anyways, to encourage you lurkers to comment (or email me, if that makes you feel better- just no spam!! or I will exert some wrath on thee), Im going to hold a miniature contest. So all of my blog entry titles (except the first one) have been pulled from songs that I was listening to when I was writing them. If anyone can tell me where they all came from, then.. I will.. do something nice for you. I havent really thought this through (obviously) so Ill think of something later. Maybe Ill buy you dinner or a drink or something. Or maybe Ill tell you a joke. I can think of pretty funny one right now that I think you would like to hear. Im laughing now just think about it.. hehehehe. okay im done.

Anyways, as inspired by an email I got this evening, I have re-read, for the first time, some of my blog entries and I apologize for all the times I wrote "bought" instead of "brought" or something as equally stupid. Really, I do know the difference between the two words. Hopefully you can still understand what Im saying since I dont plan on starting to proof read these any time soon.

I almost made it through the day without changing out of my pajamas today. I was soo close! Of course, I didnt go to sleep until almost 4am yesterday and then people where hear cleaning my furnace this morning (not only were they incredibly noisy, but they kicked me out of my bed at 7:30 (I realize this may not seem early to some people, but I had just gone to sleep 2 and a half hours earlier) so they could get at my vents so I didnt get up until almost 1:30 this afternoon. That helped. My dad was home by 3 so I helped him make supper, which is fine in pajamas, but after dinner, I had to go out with my sister and she freaks out when I leave the house in pajamas, so I got dressed. Actually, Im still in real clothes (almost 6 hours later..). Hold on- pajamas here I come!

More relating to my previous post: Im sorry for that. That was spewage at its finest. I was flustered and frustrated when I got home with the amount of bullshit that has been going on at work that no one bothered to inform me of and it came out like that. Its actually kinda funny when I read over it again.

All this talk and the air fills up until theres nothing left to breathe

2004-04-29T02:17:00.000-06:00

Yet another crazy night! School has been out for a week and I am still yet to have a day where I can lounge around in pajamas all day. I miss those days... they used to be so plentiful. I mean, its 2:30am. I just got in and am now enjoying my nice dinner of an apple and ryvita breads with cream cheese. what kind of a life is this? a pajamaless one!

I have decided that, tonight, the blog is for nothing BUT my emotional vomit. My life is slowly becoming a soap opera and I need to vent somewhere as I dont have an 'actual' journal. Starting one probably woulndt be a bad idea but I figure, if people read this who I dont want to read this, then it just adds to the drama, which as proved to be quite interesting this past few weeks. I will deal with the consequences if they arrive. /disclaimer

So what the hell?! I dont know what happened but why am I all of sudden considered a "beautiful woman"?? are you people blind?? I am not beautiful nor will I ever be. Ive come to terms with it and so should you. It seems like every time I go out somewhere and meet someone new, they develop some fucked up sort of [whether its temporary or permanent I have no idea] attraction to me and that phrase, "beautiful woman" in whatever form, seems to come up. Okay its not every time and Im not that conceded, but I could list off at least 5 guys and thats 5 guys more than I am used to doing this. Im sure this is normal, for guys to hit on girls, but Im very much not used to this kind of attention. Case of point: tonight. I went out to O'Byrnes with some boys/dorks from work. Through the course of the night, as they continue to drink and I continue to be sober [I was driving], it comes out that THREE, not one, or two or even zero, but THREE boys in the kitchen [this is how I reference work, not the kitchen at O'Byrnes] had it out for me. One I kinda saw coming and its horrible because hes the kind of guy I would love nothing more to be friends with but I think I can fix it easily enough. The others just came out of no where and I have no idea is hell what to do with them. Hell, it was even said that 'Boy A' was "trying to turn [Boy B] against [me]". How fucked up is that?! Since when am I the type of girl guys feud over?! If its just sex their after [did you actually think I was that naive?], then it makes even less sense. I like to think I have a half decent personality so yeah, okay, once you get to know that half decent personality something makes sense. But Im not pretty, sexy or attractive in any way so these instantaneous attractions make no sense. At all. None.

And it figures, the one boy that I would love to be with is the only one that I cant. On the way home from Millwoods today [I was being the generally good person that I am and drove a rather intoxicated ex co-worker home, saving him the $20 cab ride. I think that was a nice thing to do..], I got lost so I had tons of time to think about this stuff. The roads being dead at 2am is also nice.

I scared myself after thinking about a Scrubs episode I watched with Vanessa a week or so ago. So it is known that, in the show, the main character wants what he cant have. At the end, [maybe youve seen this one] the main character finally lands the girl hes been pining over and then freaks out because now that he has her, he doesnt want her. I thought about it for a bit I thought that maybe thats my problem [that I just want what I cant have..] but theres one difference between me and the main character [besides him being a guy, and a doctor, and everything else]: I wanted him before I knew I couldnt have him. There was a good day or so where I was completely oblivious to the fact that he was off limits, and that was a mighty fine day or so.

Things are fine now, its just a little horrible thought in the back of my head. You know the "NaNaNaBoBo" voice, well its that, but its saying "You cant have him" etc. Sort of.. in a not really sort of way.. I think Im fine with that now. As you may have been able to tell from previous posts, I was no so fine earlier.

Someone said something to me a couple days ago along the lines of 'if its worth having, its worth waiting for.' they meant it in a completely different context but I think it applies perfectly to this. Its bought me a kind of peace for the situation Ive made for myself.

This is not to say that Im waiting for it, but for the moment, its not some internal conflict thats eating me alive, which is always nice.

Im going to finish my dinner.

my brains the cliff and my hearts the bitter buffalo

2004-04-28T00:17:00.000-06:00

It kinda freaks me out that there are people who are reading this and not commenting to at least tell me that they are in fact reading this. I know there is at least 2 of you and that makes me wonder how many more of you there actually are...

I got my official corrected letter from AgFor today. It not longer says that I am majoring in Boreal Forest Management or whatever it was. Its good because now there will, for certain, be no problems registering because of my major. Its sad, though, because now my forest will need to find a new manager.

---

I saw something that really hit me hard today [a film, actually]. I guess it didnt so much make me realize things, but emphasized things I already knew but frequently forget to think about. I do not understand and it horrifies me to see people disregard the value of life [yes i realize how cheesy this sounds and if it bothers you, you are more than welcome to stop reading, especially if youre not going to tell me you were here] but we've all done it. Obviously Ive never killed anyone or done anything that extreme but Ive said some pretty nasty things in my day that had the intention of demeaning someone. I dont think I have, and I hope I havent, done it recently, but I know Ive done it, mostly in Junior High, when I thought I was 'cool' [for those who didnt know me, Ive never been 'cool'. ever.]. Ive been thinking about the situations where Ive done this or when people have done this to me speculating why. I think I did it because I wanted to better my social rankings and what better way to do think, in junior high, than shove someone else down. Of course now I can think of a millions better ways. Really, being cruel got me no where, at least no where I was happy being. Im not done but I need to sleep.

on the plains of old segona...

2004-04-26T01:48:00.000-06:00

Its official: I am killing my pineapples with love. I had been suspecting this for sometime but my fears were confirmed by someguy with a homemade webpage who says "they must never sit in soggy soil". well damn. normally this wouldnt be too bad but after playing "pineapple surgeon" today, this maybe a fatal mistake. i will find out with in a few days if my babies have made it through this horrific ordeal.

that was adventure number three of the day. no wait, four! if you include brunch with the thomas-family-minus-eldest-sister. i know i enjoyed it, i am was too tired to recall anything that happened then for you now (awk.).

adventure number two was my interview, which i DIDNT fuck up completely, which is always a bonus. i may have directly lied to them.. im not really sure. but they dont know that so who cares.

adventure number three took place in walmart and is the cause of the adventure formally known as three, but now its four, since im counting brunch [i dont remember it but im sure it was momentous]. i searched out katie, my favorite of the walmart associates, and we had a grand time exploring the "seasonal" section of the store. it was here that i found my pot, beautiful, but drain-hole-less. my plan was to beg my grandpa to drill a hole in the bottom for me but instead they just gave me a ugly pot to put inside my beautiful pot. this is where adventure four comes in.

the next "adventure" was horribly boring and was really more of an anti-adventure than anything else. i wont bore you with the details but it was a very boring 3 and half hours of dinner and some drunk guy who thinks he knows everything telling me things like i would do better in school if i didnt take notes. hmm..

and there was salvation! not as quick as i had hoped, but it came none the less, from my dear friend vanessa and the creator of my (4 adventures - 1 anti-adventure = 3 adventures in total.. so this would be my second..) adventure number four (.. i guess). with vanessas guidance, i was able to convince the rents that we had to leave dinner early where i was then able to respond to 3 emails in less than 10 minutes, which is quite the accomplishment for me. usually it takes me at least 10minutes for one email. im slow. then nessa came and off to silvercity went we! to all those who said kill bill vol. 2 sucked, maybe we didnt see the same movie. great film! and again, with an amazing soundtrack.

this, including the voyages to and from this film, were the most amusing of the adventures, but unfortunately im tired and the pixies are not keeping me awake as well as they should. i doubt anyone read this far anyways so what does it matter. if you are interested in hearing out this grand adventure, i guess you can comment and then i will finish, but since im probably wasting my time anyways, i might as well be sleeping.

these are just a couple of my cravings

2004-04-24T19:35:00.000-06:00

With the increased traffic through my blog, I have decided to cut my emotional vomit on here back to a minimum. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

Anyways, I have a job interview tomorrow!! Woohoo! At the vitamin store, no less. I think the only place I would rather work is in a hospital but I have no idea how to get a job there so for now this will work great. Just think: people will actually WANT to hear me talk about vitamins! This is good news you everyone I know too because now I should get my nutrition fixes at work and I wont need to jibber on about health to you guys anymore! That is, assuming I get the job, which I should unless I make a COMPLETE ass of myself, which is entirely possible.

The bad news is that I wont be able to get my tongue pierced this sunday and I wont do it at all [just yet, anyways] if my hopefully-soon-to-be-new-boss doesnt like it. I doubt she will so I assume I wont be able to get it done until the end of the summer, which is just as well. This way I can have a whole summer of beer and yogurt [not together... well maybe]. Okay, actually just yogurt.

Phone call: completely lost my train of thought.

Damn.

a direct hit to your senses and youre disconnected

2004-04-19T23:14:00.000-06:00

i have one more exam and i need to study. i have to. i need a B- in organic chem to get into biochemistry and that 3.0 i need to stay in my program isnt looking so easy any more. i guess i deserve this. things were a little too easy last semester. this semester, or it seems that just now, i have too much on my mind and i am having trouble settling down to study. so heres my plan: i will spew the workings of my innards into this blog entry and then i will do some yoga and THEN maybe i will be able to concentrate. if not, i will sleep, and then tomorrow will be a day of nothing but organic chem, and maybe a short run if i feel awake enough. anyways, here goes my nothings:

bahahaha this is so horrible. i am a horrible person. by whos standards? my own. i was thinking about this on the train home tonight actually: why does i feel so horribly about this? i havent actually done anything wrong but wanting to do something wrong. i wont, though. these are no ones morals but my own and i will not abandon them now. i will not do this, not matter how much i want to nor how easy it could be. besides, if i feel like shit now, i cant imagine how horrible i would feel if i ever actually did anything. today was as bad as its been yet, despite my attempts to destroy whatever it is that i feel. i felt this before, not on tuesday. then i was angry. then i thought nothing would happen past that more than a few random meetings, but i have seen him almost every day since. we are friends now, i think. sometimes i still get confused. when we are in a group of friends, its easy for me. when we are along, it gets bad. we are closer and yet its so subtle that i can still believe that it means nothing at all. it has to, but this is where i want it to. this is where it feels good when im there and then i want nothing more than to give in to everything im standing against. it would be so easy, too. this takes willpower and quite a bit of lying to myself, but i will do it because this is what it takes. it took a lot today. there were instances where i loved nothing more than were i was how i existed almost in harmony with what presented to me. it was very calming, actually. it shouldnt have been. im used to those situations being very tense and worrisome, but there was none of that. i liked it, no matter how much i shouldnt have, but lucky for me that doesnt mean anything.

in all honestly, i almost believe that i am happier this way. nothing is certain so i am free to make it whatever i want it to be. i am a dreamer and i know i waste too much time thinking about how things ought to be, but it makes me happy. its almost like i would rather be happier with something ive created than with something tangible. tangible things are concrete and leave very little room for interpretation since they either are or arent. there is no way that they may be. things like this are always more exciting with that uncertainty that surrounds them. once you know that they are, then they must be adapted to, that is, since they already exist, you must mould yourself around them. if they are not, then there is no choice but to give up everything that could have been. in theory, neither of those two options are anywhere near as enticing as what is right now. i have no idea what is going on so i bend it to fit me. it works well, but i realize that these types of things dont last. i think thats what makes then so special to me. this is what i love but no one has ever been able to sustain. it doesnt happen. i will become accustom to something. i will appreciate it less. i will love it less. all this is inevitable. it always happens no matter how i try to avoid it. so for now, instead of eating myself for what could happen [but i will not let], i am going to love it as it is. it is perfect. anything more concrete would only lead to its destruction. id rather let it wither away than crash and burn.

i am clear.

i never meant to be the needle that broke your back

2004-04-17T01:30:00.000-06:00

all i really want to do right now is go into the other room and turn cat power on as loud as it will go, but seeing as how everyone in the house is asleep, including zarza for once, i dont think that would go over very well. so i just have it as loud as my computer will play it! HE WAR HE WAR HE WILL... KILL FOR YOU AHHH.

so on to some real news:

nessa and i have conjured up a new card game during one of our tim hortons "study" sessions. its very mindless so its excellent for exam time. its been appropriately named "EXTREME GOLF!". heres the breakdown:

-the point is to get as few points in your 12 cards as possible, with each card worth its face value, queens and jacks worth 10, and kings and pairs worth 0.
-each player gets 12 cards- [DONT LOOK AT THEM!] lay them out on the table face down in whatever fashion you like [my preference: 4x3] and turn the next card from the deck face up on the table
-each turn, the player must turn one card face up.
-player one will decided if he likes the face up card from the deck or if he wants to draw a 'new' one. if he likes the new card, he may replace, face up, with any of his face down cards and discard the formally face down card for the next player. if he doesnt like the 'new' card, he may just flip one of his 12 cards and discard the 'new' card for the next player.
-lather, rinse, repeat until everyones cards are all face up
-tally the points!
-gah ha!

yeah, its a fun game and i hope it brings you as much joy as it has brought me.

what else have i accomplished today, you might ask, as it is exam time and i should be studying and not inventing card games. well, i won my very first ever mario kart vs. game today. my strategy was to stay out of the way while everyone killed each other and i must say that it worked wonders. it was almost worth missing both of my chem review sessions for. yes thats right. i missed not one, but two [!!] review sessions for nintendo. i feel that i am making great progress in my journey towards geekdom. that sentence alone should prove that to you.

i did get a little bit of studying done today, though. a good 2 hours worth in timmy hoho's and maybe a 30minutes worth in ETLC. for the amount of time i was there for today, thats quite pathetic but not half as pathetic as yesterday [6 hours=5 definitions and one good 4 hour game of 'pass the water bottle until its gets too dangerous or until we get too hungry' with some geers]. i do now know the full names of all the essential fatty acids and even some of the chemical formula that we need for my exam. check it out:

1. lenoleic acid C18:2w6
2. lenolenic acid C18:3w3
3. arachidoic acid [maybe..] C20:4w6
4. eicopentaenoic acid C20:5w3
5. docosapentaenoic acid C22:5w3
6. docosahexaenoic acid C22:6w3

muahaha! i consider that quite the accomplishment seeing as how i cant even pronounce the last 3, but all i have to do is be able to spell them for the exam. ive actually had many accomplishments today, well 3. i guess, but thats more than yesterday. bah, i think ill just forget about yesterday completely.. stupid stupid day.

i could ramble on more, but i really doubt anyone will read this far down, especially after that little outburst of nutrition facts, for which i am not sorry for.

have a nice night/morning

I want to be a good woman; I want for you to be a good man

2004-04-14T19:09:00.000-06:00

I don’t want to be a bad woman
And I cant stand to see you be a bad man
I miss your heart so tender
And I will love this lie forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this why I cant see you no more

How crazy it is that I discovered this song today, about 10minutes before all hell came crashing down on me in ETLC today. What an inopportune time for this to happen. I cant do economics when all I want is to do vomit. I had it all planned out in my head: what I would say, what I wouldn’t say; I was suppose to be firm about this. But I didn’t stick to it, as I often do with plans in my head. I got scared and I couldn’t get the courage back. Its so much easier to do these things by yourself. I think perhaps if it hadn’t happened in the wide open ETLC atrium, maybe in a place a little more private, I could have done it better. Maybe I would have actually said what I was thinking. In some aspects, its probably better that I didn’t. Where would it have gotten me? Id be worse off for sure, but then this is hardly about me. Would It have done anyone any good if I had said what I really thought? It may have, depending on what good is. If good is destroying something that someone has worked so hard to built and maintain, even if it was based on a lie, then yes, I may have done some good. if by good, I mean destroying someones life was they know it, then yes. I may have done some good. But then against its entirely possible that their life is slowly being broken down and I would have been the one to finish it. They could start over. That would be good. They could start fresh, with no lies. Or maybe that’s not possible. Perhaps lies are the only way to keep it going in which case I would just make the cycle repeat itself. Theres no way I can know how it is.

It doesn’t matter, I guess. I didn’t say anything, which may have been selfish of me, or it may be for the good of everyone involved. I think I did the right thing, actually. I am involved, but not nearly enough to destroy someone I know hardly anything about. That is my justification for my actions, or lack there of. Theres no point in planning for next time, and with my luck there will be a next time, since I wont follow it anyways. Ill let circumstance decide how this will unfold. I hope its done. I hope I have resolved this. I guess economics will tell me.

Shes always out making pictures...

2004-04-13T01:24:00.000-06:00

I'm such a computer moron. Not only did it take me 45minutes to build this miraculous website-o-mine [notice the hopefully working link] but it took me another 20minutes to figure out how to post another blog on here. I swear, if I didn't have help pages to hold my hand as they walked me through seemingly simple processes, id be screwed. hahaha-awesome website, is it not?

So what happened today.. I went thrift shopping with Micha today, which is always a thrill. Micha is a thrill all on her own though. For those of you who don't know her, you should. she is a great human being, one of my favorites actually. not only is she generally great, but she always gives the best presents with the best homemade cards. if I knew how to work my scanner [and I promise I will figure that out over the summer], I would post the latest of her masterpieces. it makes me smile. I think my favorite thing she has ever given me would be a little book printed on plastic that she sent to me when I was in france and incredibly homesick. it was about the faucet king and magnesium. I try to be as equally cool when I give her things but I'm not and so its hard for me sometimes, but she seems to put up with me anyways, which I am thankful for.

Hello hopefully-not-so-cruel blogworld!

2004-04-12T04:47:00.000-06:00

So its almost 5 am and I cant sleep. I'm fairly certain I know why, but it nothing I'm prepared to declare to the likes of you... or maybe I will later, but ill distort it so much than only myself and possibly nessa will know what the hell is going on. or maybe I just wont. I really wish I was asleep right now.

anyways, in the last hour or so, I think I've written about 6 rambling emails [to people who probably have better things to do than read my drivel], read 3 about 3 other blogs partially [which is what has inspired me to conjure up this masterpiece-to-be] and ate a banana. it was the last banana which means I have a trip to safeway to make tomorrow morning. I hope its nice. I hope we have coffee left. that would be a real kick in the pants if there was no coffee.

so I'm still failing to see what is so great about blogs, exception of steve smiths post [yes, his was one of the 3 I read] about his grade 11 english teacher, which was very educational, I might add. if I knew how to link things, I would link to it, but I dont. I assume it has something to do with that globe with the link on it, but I guess I will leave that for another days adventure.

so my dad was watching frontline earlier [this is a rant about nutrition and body image.. consider this your warning].. about 6 hours earlier.. and it was about diet crazes and nutrition and such [its like they produced it just for me] and after watching this show in its entirety, was kinda left with this empty feeling. why is that people dont give a damn about their health? why is that they spend millions of dollars on gym memberships and diet pills and crazy books and yet, in all honesty, they care nothing about their body besides what it looks like? why is that so bloody important? people kill themselves slowly on the atkins diet and they are happy. sure, their homocystiene levels are through the roof and theyll probably die of heart disease, but their happy because they look great. it kinda makes me sick to my stomach actually. I woman I work [or used to work with] is prime example of this. shes pretty well got a barbie body, except that shes almost 50 but shes shes on this crazy diet which makes no sense to me. she cant eat carrots. why kind of diet tells you that carrots are bad for you?? I tried to explain to her the benefits of eating carrots and how they are not bad for you and she kind of paused and said, and I quote "yeah, but I dont care" and laughed and touched my arm in that way that condensending people do and walked off. it was very irritated at the time but it kinda of put things in perspective for me. here I am, a chubby little kid with no hopes of ever being a barbie and yet I am very confident to say that I am probably happier with myself now that she will ever be. I cant image the circumstances I would have to be in to deny myself carrots in order to look 'good' [I really hope no one whos reading this can either]. why am I okay with being a chubby little kid with no hopes of ever being a barbie? 1. because I am healthy. I eat very balanced diet [which includes its fair share of carrots] and exercise and very rarely feel 'bad'. 2. because who cares?? what I think is sexy is very far from what the media is telling me is sexy and I only hope this is the case for verymanyapeople. if this is the case, then why should I make any effort to meet the medias standards? I shouldnt, thats why. 3. I've officially reached that point where I am so tired I think I may vomit, so I'm going to stop there.

I hope that was enjoyable to someone.